Hell Hath No Fury
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: Whether or not Xanxus took his advice, Tsuna decided, was of little consequence. This was going to be funny as hell either way. X86
1. The warning

Tsuna sat at his desk, elbows propped up on the smooth oak surface and his chin resting in the threaded fingers of his hands, staring at Xanxus seriously.

"So," he began solemnly, "I heard that you have begun dating my friend Miura Haru." The statement was not phrased as a question, and Xanxus doubted the need for a response. He was proved correct when the tenth boss continued. "As such, I feel I must give you a fair warning."

Xanxus barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. So that's what this was about, after all. He could practically recite what the upcoming warning would be; something along the lines of 'hurt my friend/woman and I'll hunt you down and kill you, etc etc'. He allowed Tsuna to continue, though, and was mildly thrown off track by the next sentence.

"I'm not sure how much experience you have with women, but I have to tell you something I have learned- the one staple of knowledge when dealing with the opposite sex. That is: there is nothing more dangerous or more terrifying than a woman in love."

Xanxus raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Tsuna sighed. "I'm sure you must have heard of the woman called The Poisonous Scorpion?"

"Bianchi Gokudera- one of your allies. She was a prominent assassin for the Vongola until she she retired inexplicably." Xanxus confirmed. "What does she have to do with anything?"

"She retired because she fell in love with Reborn. And then started trying to kill me for taking up all of his time. And, at one point, nearly killed an entire room full of people out of sheer rage at her wedding being ruined." Tsuna paused, staring at Xanxus squarely. "She is, without any shadow of a doubt, the most terrifying person I have ever encountered. And to be perfectly honest, I would much rather have you angry at me than her, because at least you kill people quickly." He frowned sternly. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

"...That Bianchi will poison me if I come between her and the baby?" the Varia elite guessed.

Tsuna scowled, reaching towards the bottle of whiskey he had begun stashing in his desk when he became boss. This was going to be harder than he thought. "No. I was trying to give you an example. Bianchi has nothing to do with this. What I'm TRYING to say, is that Haru is no exception to this trait, and that if you piss her off, you will regret until the day you die. And I will sit back, and I will watch, and I will laugh. Understand?"

Xanxus eyed him incredulously. From what he had seen, Haru was a bright, sunny girl that liked costumes and baked goods. He couldn't see what was so terrifying.

Tsuna poured himself a glass of whiskey, drinking it slowly. "Look, trust me. Haru was in love with me, and even years later she STILL puts pepper in Gokudera's underwear drawer. There's much more to her than she lets on, and she will not hesitate to tear you a new one."

Xanxus considered this. He knew that she had spunk, and that Reborn had taught her and the redheaded girl to carry firearms, but if this other side of her- "Wait, what does her being in love have to do with peppering your Storm Guardian's underwear?"

Tsuna looked embarrassed. "Ah. Those two had this weird rivalry over me for a while, and they'd pull pranks on each other like her replacing his dynamite with party poppers, and he would soak her bedsheets in peanut oil because she's allergic and would break out in hives- things like that. And the pepper. Which, it turns out, burns your genitals. Like FIRE. But whatever. You understand what I'm trying to say now, right?"

"Don't fuck with her because she'll yet my pubic hair on fire?"

"Exactly."

"Right. Noted. Thanks for the head's up on that one."

"I figured you'd appreciate it."


	2. How it started

Hey, look! I wrote more! Who would have suspected such a thing would happen? NOT ME!

* * *

They met for the first time at a Vongola Family Dinner party. It was the anniversary of Sawada Tsunayoshi's appointment as the Tenth, meaning that the Varia Officers were required to attend. Mandatory attendance being, naturally, the only way to get Xanxus in the same room as Tsuna for more than a minute and a half.

He saw her sulking in a corner by the bar, sucking on an appletini morosely. Xanxus first paid no heed to her, despite the little yellow dress she wore and the pair of legs it presented demanding attention. Instead he ordered a vodka sour and prepared to wander into a less conspicuous corner, when she threw back her drink and swallowed it in one go, which revealed her face enough for Xanxus to recognize her as one of Sawada's girlfriends.

She was all ready well on her way to drunkenness, and Xanxus, recognising this, decided that sleeping with her would be a fun way to really piss of Sawada.

His success in this endeavor ended in a shrieking naked woman in his bed pointing his own gun at him and demanding to know what happened the night before. Xanxus didn't bother pretending he didn't find that hotter than pretty much anything he'd ever seen.

After his suggestion for another round resulted in a gunshot whizzing past his ear, he pacified her by explaining that going back to his place had been her idea, and that if she was such a slutty drunk maybe she should stay sober when in public. At least, if your definition of pacified involves emptying a clip into his wall and then nailing him in the head with the gun.

Much less sexy was the next part, when she fell to her knees and started crying; wailing about her virtue and how now her boyfriend would never want to come back. For once, Xanxus's response was apparently the correct one, as when he told her that if this boyfriend of hers was stupid enough to dump her in the first place than he didn't deserve wasting tears over, she actually stopped crying.

He changed his mind about that being a good idea, however, when she decided that he was going to take responsibility for seducing her and take her on a proper date- in fact, he'd take her on three. Then she wiped out the stray tears form her eyes, pulled her dress down from the ceiling fan, and left; head held high. Suddenly, he wished one of those shots had landed between his eyes.

The worst part, Xanxus decided later, was not being forced into dating Sawada's apparently-not-girlfriend: it was Squalo laughing his ass off afterwards.


End file.
